where i insist that this whole mess i call my current love life is all my fault and that im the reason things are the way they are. i start to over think everything, look for signs of where it went wrong, pick apart memories that at the time seemed flawless and now all i can focus on are the things i should have done or said or things that could be the reason why he left. i mean i cant say that it was all his fault and that i did nothing wrong because thats a lie, i didnt open up as much as i could. i really tried to give it my all, to be completely open and vulnerable with him but that stupid fucking fear of rejection once again crept up ad screwed me over. i should have told him how much i liked him and how much he meant to me instead of trying to play it off as that my feelings werent as serious as they were. but i felt as if i admitted what i was truly feeling it would make things worse, cause he was the one who said time and time again he didnt want a relationship, he didnt want commitment, he wanted ot just play the field and basically have a fwb thing and everyone knows a fwb relationship is shot to hell if one of you catches feelings and the last thing i wanted to do was end what we had but in the end all i did was end what could have been. 

i feel like he feels as though i was being a fucking tease, like i didnt take him seriously and that i was playing him. that i didnt know what i wanted and that i wasnt ready to have something real when all along ive known exactly what i wanted and its exactly what he has now….with that fucking bitch. i was torturing myself and reading the lyrics to his album and the one song im pretty sure is about me saying how he wanted to be with this person but they just didnt know and that i ruined his soul i believe the line was so instantly i feel like a shit on a platter and ultimately blame myself for everything but then i think about it. he never told me his feelings for me. like of course he obviously stated his physical feelings for me like that message was loud and clear but i never really got that emotional confirmation from him that i at least gave to him somewhat. he was the one who stopped talking to me. i would text him….no response, nothing. i mean idk how thats my fault cause im the one making the initative while he didnt. 

ugh idk i thought i was just accepting it but i just cant get the what ifs out of my mind. i just feel like if i was somehow able to tell him this it could change things, maybe not everything but i mean all i want to know is what hes feeling or was feeling. but my constant struggle is how to tell him. i mean i know exactly what i want to say but its that awkward situation of how you just pour your heart out to someone. like we barely talk anymore and if we do its general talk, nothing deep, nothing sexual, just strictly platonic. idk if this is me just hoping that this is the case or if its reality but i just feel like the feelings are sort of mutual in the sense that we both have things we need/want to say but we just dont know how. theres unfinished business that needs to be resolved but idk how to finish it. i mean obviously i could very easily call him up spill my guts or text him a novel and tell him everything, but the thing holding me back is the reaction. its not so much the actually telling him, but i honestly have no clue how he’d react. in a perfect world he’d say i feel the same, swoop me up in his arms, leave belugs and we live happily ever after, but walt disney has not written my life so the more likely options would be he’d say

1. its too late, you should have told me before 2. i feel the same but i wanna be with belugs 3. oh well i feel ad that you felt that way, have no mutual feelings and then have it be forever awkward thus losing our friendship 4. get into a fight and ruin our friendship 

none of these options are anything that id want but idk whats worse at this point

holding in what im feeling and have it slowly break me from the inside out, yet still have him in my life somewhat

or let go and tell him everything ive been feeling and finally get it out in the open and get the answers to the questions that ive wanted for so long, but lose him in my life forever

life.fucking.sucks