i mean i know my zero followers really give a shit but this is a place for me to vent so what the fuck ever. long painful story short……i lost him to belugs, officially. shes his girlfriend, he’s her boyfriend, the title and companionship that i could only dream for with him has been taken from me and given to her who doesnt even deserve it. the day i had dreaded and secretly lived in denial of it ever occuring finally came and seeing that dreaded relationship status change on facebook was the final blow, the confirmation that i had so longed for to tell me it was over. yet surprisingly i wasnt as heartbroken as i thought i would be over the whole thing. if you told me this news months ago i wouldnt have known what to with myself, but now i guess it was inevitable so i kinda started to prepare myself before it even occured so it was just more of an okay thats annoying rather than the end of the world. i reember i couldnt even see her truck in his driveway without being flooded with emotions, and now it’s almost to be expected , and if it’s not, then its a pleasant surprise. now as much as id like to say i dont give a fuck and it didnt bother me in the slightest, i cant. i guess in the back of my mind i kinda hoped that it would never happen so id be lying if i didnt say my heart didnt sink a bit and maybe jst maybe a tear or two was shed, but the reaction i had was alot better than what i had originally imagined.

i mean point blank i still have feelings for him, no doubt about it. what i felt and still do feel for him arent emotions that can just fade away in the blink of an eye. thats how you know its real. i mean as stupid as it sounds but if he called me right now and wanted to see me and hook up with me……i would in a heartbeat. now that probabaly sounds so hoeish and just the worst decision possible but honestly id give anything for just one more kiss….thats the one thing i havent witnessed yet and i hope i ever have to; seeing him with her. i havent had to see them kiss, hold hands, or even walking together *knocks on wood* seeing them is would honestly break my heart, no question in my mind. that would be something that im just not ready to handle, maybe not ever…..

despite all of this though i still have hope. yup go ahead call me crazy but let me explain. when you go through a breakup you pretty much hash it out and you leave with a solid foundation of where you stand with one another. this however is strictly unfinished business. its kind of like when you put out fire, sure you get most of it out and away but theres that little pesky ember that just wont go out, that little spark is what i feel me and whathisname are. theres too many things left unsaid that i feel like if i confessed, it could honestly change everything, but i wouldnt even know how to go about saying any of it if i cant even fathom a normal converstaion with him. i just feel like theres different signs and different things that lead me to believe that theres things he’s left unsaid too. i can prettu much guarentee that he doesnt have feelings for me anymore, whether or not he did in the first place is unsure but i still feel like he cares. idk after all weve been through, all the memories, all the secrets shared, i cant see how there couldnt be some sort of caring or some special feeling there….idk

im not making sense anymore which is my cue to stfu haha