so the past few days have shaken everything up and all thanks to a little thing called facebook. i had a facebook for the longest time but about a year ago i deactivated it for a lot of reasons but long story short, it didnt exsist for about a year, that was until i decided to revive it on monday. i kinda missed it and felt a little left out, like i was missing a part of the teenage expereience but the main reason was cause of whathisnam. i figured if he wasnt gonna see me in person, my name popping up on his newsfeed would at least keep me in his mind. my plan worked…..for once because within a coupl hours of having it, he poked me. ya i know just cause someone pokes you on fucking facebook doesnt mean its a wedding proposal in disguise but i mean that meant he too kthe time to go on my profile and make some sort of attempt at contact. like i know that sounds fucking ridiculous but at least he was the one making the first move for a change. so now we’ve been in a poke war for a few days and it sounds pathetic because while hes poking me online, hes poking belugs in person with his friggin dick but it just sparks that glimmer of hope, that maybe the story isnt as over as i thought….

but here comes the twist in the whole thing. this kid, well refer to him as franco [cause he looks like james franco] basically i met him once years ago, we hit it off, we were gonna hook up and never did. well he messaged me on fb and we started talking again, he wants to hang out, he was texting me all day yesterday so basically it was everything i was hoping for. a guy to make whatshisname jealous, but someone that actually had an interest. and hes the nicest kid, like hes a great guy, so why does this make me sad? because hes not whatshisname…..

i thought that this was the thing to help me move on from him but if anything it made me miss him more. i tried my hardest to picture myself with this franco kid but i just honestly couldnt. like it was so easy for me to see myself with whatshisname, like it was effortless, but with farnco it was almost as though i had to convince myself itd be good rather than actually believing it. i didnt get butterflies in my stomach when he would text me, if anything i was just like whatever, i didnt even crack a smile. there was just something missing……i thought for a while that it was him but i realized it was me. at the end of the day as much as i want to deny it, im just not ready to let go of whatshisname.

trying to picture myself and trying to open up to someone new just made me realize how much im not over him and it fucking sucks. like a part of me just wants to be done with it but i just cant be. when you like someone as much as i like whatshisname and for as long as i have, those feelings dont just dissapear, and just because a new guy comes along whose hot strolls into our life, no matter how “perfect” he may seem, you cant force something thats not there. besides both franco and whatshisname have the same name, so anytime someone would talk about franco, my mind wouldnt be focused on him when i heard that name, itd be on whatshisname.

blah i could keep going but im just depressing myself more and i cant type anymoree lol